Day of Destiny (A Post About Nothing & Everything)

I hope you guys don’t mind if I share something personal with you. If you do, you’re free to leave this blog and head over to www.suckmyleftnutyoucocksuckers.com.

Have you ever really, really wanted something… Something you have wanted your whole life and cannot ever remember wanting anything else? And then one day someone tells you, in no uncertain terms, that you can’t have it. You will never be able to have it, and no whining, moaning, complaining, crying or bitching will get it for you?

I have.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a policeman. I have always looked up to them, considered them heroes. There was a short while that my brother and myself were planning on being superhero veterinarians, but I realized that I could never euthanasize a cat, especially a cute one.

Anyway back in 1995 or 96 sometime when I was working at McDonald’s I had an accident. It was my own fault, but I had dropped a frozen hamburger patty on the floor. I was busy so I didn’t pick it up right away and it thawed. A short while later I slipped on it and twisted my left ankle HARD. It was hard enough to cause a couple of small micro fractures.

I limped around for a while, and then began to notice that I couldn’t stand for long periods of time anymore. I was never able to run, but now my running and walking abilities were reduced even more.

I figured it was the result of my accident and just dealt with it.

I continued on, moving from fast food to security – you know, so I could be a wannabe cop! I then somehow got a job in TV and stuck with that for a few years, even moving to Minnesota and going to school for it. I then went back to security, realizing that I still wanted to be a cop.

Fast forward to 2003. I moved back to Springfield and found the only available job at the time was back at McDonald’s. That was fine, as it was something that I was good at, and I could have free food!

While working there I began to diet. The Springfield Police Department was going to be doing massive recruiting. So I figured if I lost a lot of weight, my foot problems would lessen.

I did. I lost almost 70 pounds over four months. But my foot problems still continued and actually became worse. I finally decided to see a foot specialist to find out what EXACTLY was the problem. Why couldn’t I stand for more than an hour without being in intense pain? Why couldn’t I walk more than a mile before the pain kicked in? Why did the pain hit me as SOON as I began to run anywhere?

I went in and had an x-ray. He then sent me in for a MRI. We then scheduled a follow up to discuss the results.

The doctor went on to explain what was wrong with me and showed me multiple splotches on my MRI that really looked like fingerprints to me. He talked in his fancy-smancy Latin medial lingo, and then finally broke it down for me.

Summary: I have arthritis. But it’s VERY far advanced. He compared it to what he might find in someone in their 80’s. He said it was a problem I was born with, and while the accidents (I have one in Minnesota as well) compounded it, they didn’t cause it.

He told me that I probably have the same issue with my right foot, but since I didn’t have any accidents on it, it wasn’t as bad. He told me that it was likely that by the time I am 40 I am going to have some serious problems standing and walking even for short periods.

He could fix it, possibly. But it would involve a lot of surgery and it wouldn’t be a guaranteed fix.

It was that day that I realized that no matter what I did, I could never become a cop. I wouldn’t be able to run the distance to pass the physical test. I wouldn’t be able to get through the physical part of the academy. I couldn’t even enlist in the military because I would NEVER make it through basic. That and the thought of being yelled at by a mean looking DI makes me cry.

It’s a very dark day when your one dream – the ONLY thing I have ever cared about for more than ten minutes – is taken away from you.

However it did enlighten me to some things. I have never gotten enough exercise to keep my weight down. When I was in high school I could never run the whole distance we were supposed to run. I always assumed it was because I was fat, but even the fatter kids were out running me. My feet always hurt bad after walking or running anywhere. Now I know why.

So now I am screwed. I have adjusted my eating habits to where – for the most part – I eat healthy. I have fast food for lunch, but I usually get a grilled chicken sandwich. I don’t eat fries, except on Saturdays and Sundays with my Philly when I go to Triple Play with my overnight photog buddies Ganimir and Sol. But despite my healthier eating, I am not losing anymore weight. I can’t go jogging – even 5 minutes on the treadmill hurts like a mother. I can’t walk far enough to burn any calories.

So I am kind of stuck a fatass. I’ve considered the Al Roker surgery, but a couple people have told me I’m not fat enough to risk the possible complications! WTF!? Last time I checked my body fat percentage was 35%. Making my 0% fat weight (just bones, muscle and goo) about 195 and my ideal weight (average healthy Caucasian should have 15% body fat) at 225 (saving you the math, my weight as of my physical in June was 300).

So what do I do? I can’t be a cop. I can’t go back to McD’s – not that I want to – assuming I am going to be crippled by the time I am 40 that gives me about 10 more years I could be a photog, assuming I don’t snap and kill 1,623 people before that. I really have no useful skills that can be transferred to another line of work. I have a very specialized education and skill base. I wouldn’t mind being a writer, but I am not good enough to do it professionally and I doubt I ever will be. And I am far to ADD riddled to code web pages for a living. Hell I took an hour writing this because I saw a shiny light and had to investigate it! And I could never, ever become a burden on my parents or society. I’ve freeloaded enough off my dad and mom, even though she’s to nice to say it to my face, don’t want me freeloading off her!

These are the things that are going through my mind every single day. It’s no wonder why it takes me six hours to fall asleep every day. That and the fact that I have grown to really loathe my job (at least three days of the week) and have two months to make a very important decision. I have my show I want to do, but I am lost on finding way to finance it. I’m pissed off at decisions I have made in the past, yet at the same time I miss the life I had in Minnesota; all the while my inspirational sign sits in front of my desk on the wall telling me The past cannot be changed – The future can be. Top all that off with the fact that this city sucks snake balls and I’m incredibly lonely out here and you can see why I am a really unpleasant person.

I laughed as I typed that. I always tell people that one of my positive points is that I have a nice personality and that I am upbeat.

LOL… What a crock.

Anyway, if you’re still with me, thanks for reading. Every now and then it makes me feel a little bit better sharing things like this. And considering I don’t have to look any of you – except James and Sol if they read this – in the face, I don’t mind criticism, constructive or otherwise.

Ooooo! A shiny light!