Somewhere I Belong?

disclaimer: if you are uninterested in my personal life and are just
here for the lack of anime girls, my photoging, or looking for big ass holes,
this post will be of no interest to you. please come back tomorrow. thank you,
management.

So I realized that I have been whining and moaning about Las Vegas pretty much since the first day I got here. I was all upset that the job didn't turn out to be as great as I had expected, nor was the city as glamorous as it was supposed to have been.
It took me a while to figure it out, but I finally realized what the real problem was.
It's me.

Here's what happened. 12 years ago I started making plans for what I was going to be doing when I was a grown up (still waiting for that to happen, BTW...). First I planned and pictured myself being one of Springfield's finest. But then I went to CAVC (the vocational school in Springfield) and got into television. Bounce around a little bit and while I still wanted to be the police, I wanted to do TV too.
So I started my own business. I got written a bad check and that was the end of that. Got sued because of bad checks I wrote thinking they would be covered by the bad check I was given, and you can imagine how everything spiraled downwards from there.
I STILL don't have my credit repaired from that shit.
Anyway, onwards I went and Jason, Chris and I came up with Erin and Gosnell. Then I had a bright idea to move to Minnesota and go to school for television broadcasting, even though I already had a fucking job in television, I decided to cement it with a $15,000 education.
Moved there, went to school, the school screwed my ass like the professionals they are, and left me without a degree and with a $72 a month bill for the next 22 years. Not to mention the money my mom and dad are still paying. I feel bad for it, considering that I probably would have this job even without the education I did receive, but I live on my undying thought that one day I will be able to repay them plus a billion.
So anyway, I left school, but stayed in Minnesota. I asked my friend, Chris to move up there with me, as I was lonely and the only thing that really matters is me, and he did. I spent two years finding out exactly how selfish I am, and how much of a fucking asshole I can be, and now Chris and I don't speak. I blamed him till I pulled my head out of my ass.
Believe it or not, I actually had a hot, nympho girl friend back in Minnesota. No kidding! You should be able to figure out what happened based on everything I've said so far. That's right, Erin, the person who is more important than anyone else fucked it up. Go me!
So what did moving to Minnesota do for me? Besides put me in debt, trash my credit more, nearly kill me, and reveal how god damned arrogant I am, not much. To my credit, moving there where no one knew me allowed me to be myself, not the Erin I had become in Springfield out of shame, low self esteem and cowardice. I truly had the best time of my life there.
But as I was being myself, I found out who I was.

Don't know if I really care for that.

After my near death experience I calmed down a lot. I left my job, that I loved, and moved to Milwaukee. Learned two important lessons. One, Milwaukee is a craphole. Two, never, NEVER move based on the word of your new potential employer. Sean, you suck donkey schlong.
Defeated, I ran with my tail between my legs back to Illinois, where I took refuge in Blaine's (my dad's) basement. For the record, all references to 'my dad' are to Blaine. He's not my real dad, as in he didn't do my mom, but he did everything else dad's do, unlike my real dad who I hope to find dead in the ditch someday.
Once back there I returned to the only job I ever had that I was really, really good at. McFrakin'Donald's. I was stuck there till FOX finally got a full time job I could have. Once I worked there for a while, Tim K, who is about the coolest guy on Earth, somehow convinced NewsChannel 20 to hire me as a photog. I worked there for a couple of years, and now here I am.

So now that I have given you a short rundown of the past 12 years, let's look and see what's different about it than what should have happened.

When I started my production business, I expected to be doing it full time within 2 years. Didn't happen. SO what happened when things didn't go my way? I quit.
I planned on having Chronicles on the air within 5 years, and Jason, Chris and I would have been obscurely famous with a cult following - kind of like She Spies. But alas, I have constantly been putting off Chronicles. When we were planning on it back in '97, I ran to Minnesota. Jason and I were gearing up for it here in '05, so what do I do? I run to Las Vegas. And yet I wonder why Jason won't write me back, won't take me seriously, when I tell him I am still serious about doing it.
Why do I keep doing that? Fuck if I know...

I did not plan on living in a one bedroom closet at 28. I did NOT have THIS, whatever the hell it is, scripted out for me. But, that's life.

I came here expecting the perfect job, in the perfect city, for the perfect pay. I got none of the three. Don't get me wrong, my job is great, and the pay is great. But because it's not 'what I wanted', well it sucks, apparently.
It took me 12 years to finally say that to myself.

"It's you man. It's not the job, it's not your life, it's you."

I could be handed a million dollars tomorrow and complain that I didn't get two million. I have been handed so many things. I got such a free ride as a child, and I totally took advantage of that. Blaine has helped me out, amazingly, even though I don't deserve an ounce of it, and what do I do? I take advantage of it. I look to my mom to bail me out every fucking time I hit a speed bump, but what the hell do I do for her? Do I do anything? Have I EVER done anything?

They say hindsight is 20/20, well it is. I'm looking back and realizing that EVERY SINGLE bad thing that has happened to me since 1993 was 110% my fault. Jesus Christ, almost every bad thing that's happened to my friends was my fault. It was my doing, and no amount of shifting blame is going to change that. No looking to other circumstances life has dealt me gives me the right to deflect blame.
So now that I have finally realized that, what do I do? Do I lament about the past, the people I have wronged; the decisions I have made? Do I continue forward like nothing has happened? I'm totally lost. I have a sign on my wall that I made. It's a quote from an anime (obviously).

There is no 'if'. There is only the present.

I do know one thing. I refuse to leave Las Vegas right now. All running away would do is once again prove that I am nothing more than a scared child who uses this exterior to protect himself. I will once again show myself that running backwards is the only direction I know how to go. Ya know, so what if I made a left when I should have made a right. That doesn't mean that I should go back home and start the trip over again. Hell, I don't have an unlimited supply of gas here. At the max, based on my family history and my current health I have about 40 years left. Why the hell should I spend it running backwards?
I have my destination in mind, I know where I am going. I just have to figure out how to get there, and right now I'm trying to find my way from an unknown location. I am sure I will get there, but when I do, will I look at it and say 'Well, this isn't good enough'? Will I be happy when I finally get Chronicles on the air. That, to be 100% honest is ALL I want to happen right now. Nothing else matters to me. Why? Because it's my legacy. It's something that will keep ME around forever. Until I typed that I never really realized exactly how narcissistic I can be!

Anyway, I apologize for going on for so long. This was kind of my 'Forgive me father for I have sinned' confession. I am REALLY tempted to turn off the comments, since I really have no interest in hearing my conclusions that I'm a prick confirmed. But, also being someone who enjoys inflicting pain on himself, I will leave them on.

For now. :)

In parting, here's a Linkin Park song. I think it goes along with what I just wrote, in a way... I've bolded the most relevant part...

Somewhere I Belong

(When this began)
I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused)
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me)
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose)
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused)
Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I)
What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong