If It Ain't Broke...

I have decided to do two long posts tonight, rather than one very long, multitopical megapost.

I have been pondering why I have been so miserable lately and I figured that part of it was because I am a lonely miser and part of it was because I am an uneducated buffoon. Figuring out why I was an uneducated buffoon was easy. I have no education and I am a moron.

The moron part might not be fixable, but the uneducated part can be rectified. Not this fall though, as I had hoped, mainly due to my financial issues. Going to try again in January and see what happens. Hopefully I will have my finances in order by then (one way or the other) and can focus on figuring out a class schedule to work around my work schedule.

The lonely miser part, though, was more difficult to figure out. But over the past few days I have been making graphs and flow charts, looking at old pictures and watching pornography to determine how to fix things. And I think I figured it out.

I am too damn fat.

That's right. It took me and a NOAA computer to understand that I am a big fatty! I have also come to the conclusion that chicks (well, hot ones) won't have sexual relations with a big fatso. I don't blame them. I saw my reflection in the mirror this morning when I got out of the shower and it gave me a stroke.

I also rarely leave my home when I am not working, so I have forgotten how to talk to people and have a good time. Probably because I get winded just looking out the window.

In summation, I realize I need to lose weight.

Losing weight is not easy, especially when you have been overweight your entire life. (Sidebar, this is why I truly believe that parents that allow their children to become overweight and obese should be arrested and charged with child abuse. They are making it so their child's life will be hell; from both a physical and psychological standpoint. If I ever decide to get involved in politics, you can believe that I will lobby hard to get legislation like that passed.)

I remember though that before I left for Vegas (where working overnights allowed me to slip into old habits of fast food and inactivity) I had lost 50 or so pounds and about 4 inches off my waist. And I did that via Atkins - or my version of it.

So my grocery shopping this evening was low/no carb. I also purchased enough food to last me till my next paycheck. I usually don't due to the cost, but some simple math in my head quickly showed me that what I spent tonight (70$) was far less than the usual 7$-10$ a day I spent getting my food from either the Wheel of Death at work, or from QuikTrip/McDonald's/Subway/Etc.

At any rate, my goal is < 20 carbs per day. It worked before, I see no reason it won't work now. BUT YOUR CHOLESTEROL!!!!! Surprisingly, my current cholesterol level is fine, and any raise in it will be, in my opinion, negated by my drop in blood pressure and weight. Plus I already take a dietary supplement and am adding a fiber supplement. So I am doubting I will do any more harm to my body than carrying all this fat is doing. Another bonus of this diet was that I was not that active (asides from work stuff) when I lost the weight before. I am not active now either, so I will be able to lose the weight semi-sedentary until I complete the next task. I am quitting smoking. I have tried about four times this year alone, and every time I have failed. However, when I was in Vegas, I quit for several months (rather than just a week or so this year) by using the assistance of the patch.

So I have purchased the patch. As I said before, it worked before, so I see no reason it will not work now. Once I quit, and am able to walk more than 4 feet without feeling like a fish out of water, I will be able to do more exercise. By that I will be losing more weight and eventually, hot girls will be begging me for sex. Either that or they will be repulsed by my personality and anime addiction rather than my Elephant Man like appearance.

Regardless, I think it will be an improvement in my life and I won't feel so fuckwad awful. It will also allow me to start taking Tae Kwon Do again, which I took in HS and enjoyed. Since as a skinny person, people won't be afraid of me and my mouth might end up getting my ass kicked.

Remember Your Hippopotamus Oath!!

It's a line used by Homer Simpson in an episode where he had a heart attack. He says to Dr. Hibbert, "Well, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger, right?" Dr. Hibbert chuckles as he does and replies, "Heavens no! In fact this has left you weak as a kitten." Hibbert then goes on to pester poor Homer by poking him, taking his nose, things like that. Homer then cries out, "Stop! Remember your hippopotamus oath!"

This is of course in reference to the Hippocratic Oath, which doctors tend to take and in part says 'you shall do no harm.'

Of course this should not be mistaken for 'you shall not hurt your patients.'

Finally, after about 8 months of on again, off again pain, I went to the doctor today to have my shoulder looked at. I go to the University of Oklahoma clinic, since that is where the hospital sent me after my first seizure. My normal doctor wasn't there, but the doctor I had seemed nice.

But of course since OU is a learning school, the first doctor who saw me was an intern (like Zack Graff's character on Scrubs). He had me move my arm and and listened and felt me up... Usual doctor things. He determined that it wasn't damaged or dislocated or anything, just that some of the cartilage was inflamed.

He told me he'd be back with the OU version of Dr. Cox.

When he returned, the overseer doctor wanted to verify his underlings diagnosis. Unlike Dr. Intern, he was a bit more rough with me, bending my arm, purposely, in the directions that it hurt. I don't think getting kicked in the junk would have caused as much pain as that guy did! I wanted to cry out like Homer, but having major pain being inflicted on me seemed to dull my sense of humor.

None the less, when he was done, he agreed with the intern and I was told to just take Advil. So, I will. But if it doesn't get better, I need to go back, which might be impossible. It was very hard to get an appointment. In fact, the next available date with my regular doctor is in October... I think I need to switch to a smaller clinic.

So, what's caused this, you may ask? Well, it started in December, so I blame the wreck. But it may also be from work, since many TV news photographers develop shoulder issues, though not usually so quickly (I have only been doing this for about 6 years).

Of course I will keep you updated, since I really don't have much else to blog about.

Happy 7/4!

YAY! Now remember to celebrate the birth of our nation by blowing up a small part of it!

Greatest.. Ideas.. Ever..

Three things.

Self Checkout

Whoever invented this concept is a fucking genius. No more waiting in a line of people with 152 coupons and the asinine desire to dig out the pennies from the bottom of their purse so that they can get back a nickel instead of three pennies. You walk up, scan your shit, dump the 20$ into the machine and off you go.
In fact, if I had my way, it would be against the law not to have self checkout. I'm looking at you, Wal*Mart on North Dirksen Parkway in Springfield. Assholes.
And don't worry about it putting people out of jobs. You will always have people too stupid to understand how to use it, too scared of it, or just really lonely fucks whose only human interaction is with the minimum wage register jockey.
Self checkout. Wonderful. I also include other self service wonders like the postal station at the post office and the really cool machine they have at the Nevada DMVs.

Redbox

A fucking vending machine of DVD's. You swipe your credit card (or if that scares you, get one of those prepaid credit cards which is a pretty awesome concept in its self) and pick your DVDs. The machine bills you a dollar a day, for up to 25 days. After that, you get to keep it.
One of the coolest concepts is that you can rent the movies from one machine and return it in another machine. You can also preselect your movies, show up at the machine and it just spits them out! Hell, if it had a better selection (like it could burn you movies on demand), it would kick Netflix's ass.
I need to find out if they franchise out these machines.

Bluetooth

I used to think that people with these headsets were self important douchebags. But then I got one, and to be honest, I still thought that. In fact I remember commenting to my friend Troy back in Springfield how much I felt like a douchebag having it dangling off my ear. However the more I used it, the more I realized how fucking cool and useful it is!
I then learned that not just cell phone headsets use Bluetooth. You can get Bluetooth printers and various other gadgets (even medical stuff can use Bluetooth) to wirelessly connect to your technology.
And that, is cool as hell.

Now, this list is very small when you compare it to the things that I hate, but at least I have shown that I am not a complete negative nelly.

I do hate a lot of things though.